Seems like a no brainer, right? If you lie to a guy from the get-go, he’ll figure it out eventually. Guys aren’t stupid, even if we like to think they are (thanks television and dumbass guys). Sure, some of them are complete fucking morons, but some girls are too.
So, when my dear friend Paul asked me what the four texts are that men can’t resist (April 2016 Cosmo), I had to find out. Because if a guy can’t resist, then I’ve simply got to try them!
Oh sweet baby Jesus on a pogo stick, I do not. This collection of “helpful” snippets basically tells me to lie. No mention of whether I actually like the things I’m about to pretend to like. No mention of whether I should tell the truth and just try to connect with him.
I get it. Online dating is weird. It’s difficult. You have to make yourself sound REALLY interesting to get him to look past your picture. And don’t even get me started on choosing a picture to post. I was always tempted to post one of me with smeared makeup, rat nest hair from all that drunken “sex” where someone almost had an orgasm, tired, hungover – this is what you get on a Sunday morning if we go out for ALL THE DRINKS on a Saturday night! Lucky you! You have to endure getting pictures of dicks in your messages (more on that in another blog post). But to flat out lie? No, the article doesn’t tell you to lie, but it also doesn’t mention that the things you’re going to send to him should be the truth.
Anyway, on to the “4 online dating opening lines he can’t resist.” (note – is it really that hard to spell out four?) These have been recommended by Matthew Hussey, who is apparently a “dating mastermind.”
“Are you really [an X]??”
Uh, a what now? A man? A Christian? Oh, right. Ask him about his interests. So if he mentions salsa dancing or a vacation in Vietnam, tell him you love those things! No mention that you might hate dancing and have no dreams to travel to Vietnam. He now wants to impress you because you think things he likes are really great! I assume they mean you should actually like these things, but come on. Don’t fawn over him just because you think his picture is hot. Probably not him anyway. You didn’t notice that’s actually a picture of George Clooney?
I definitely did stupid shit like this in my 20s (before online dating because the internet wasn’t really a big thing when I was in my early 20s and dating – or it was and I just wasn’t hip or whatever word the kids are using these days). I pretended to be interested in things I couldn’t have cared less about. But then I also remember saying I loved baseball to a guy once when I was recently single. He didn’t believe me, but I was being truthful. Too many women lie about liking sports because they think guys will think it’s cool. Don’t say you like sports unless you actually like whatever sport it is. I still run into this, even if I’m not trying to date someone.
“[That jacket/those glasses/that suit in your pic…” (it’s driving me crazy that they didn’t put spaces between the periods in the ellipses, but that’s my own thing. I use two spaces after a period in a sentence. I can deal with this.)
So, what about those things? Oh, you’re building intrigue. He’s going to be DYING to know what you’re thinking. He is? He’s probably busy taking pictures of his dick to send to you. Kidding (or maybe not – the number of dick pics I got when I was on OKCupid was kind of shocking – dicks are ugly, guys. Stop it. I’m not gonna go all Kardashian on you and send you a tit pic). There’s something in here about a picture of him in a Buzz Lightyear costume, and you’re supposed to be all “I WANT IT” or “I salute you for being able to pull it off.” What the hell kind of dating site are they recommending you go on?
“I have no idea if we would get along, but I had to send you a message just because you also love [X].”
Again, no mention of whether you actually also love whatever X is. When I had an online dating profile, I actually had guys use this line on me and try to tell me they love baseball too. “OMG THE CUBS ARE AWESOME I LOVE BASEBALL TOO.” Well, the Cubs are kind of my backup team, my go to NL team, but okay. I’d ask if they went to games, and it usually ended in either no, never, or yeah, “me and my friends went and got so fucking wasted at Wrigley.” (I actually just logged into an old account to find that gem – if you know me, you know I’m totally down with beers at a baseball game, but do not fucking tell me the highlight is getting wasted. You probably acted like a complete asshole and annoyed someone who paid a ton to actually see the game). Back to this message. This article tells me that men feel safe if the woman they’re talking to approves of their passion for a thing. I think people like people with whom they have something in common – not exactly rocket science, here, Mr. Hussey. It then goes on about how telling him you have “no idea if you’d get along” will challenge him to prove you will. Not all people like a challenge and would roll their eyes and hit delete. If you think you might not get along, then why are you messaging? Because you think he’s hot, right?
“So, [Tom], are we going to talk or just stare at each other’s profile pics all day?”
Oh you have to be fucking joking. If someone sent me this, I’d delete it immediately, but I’m not a guy, so who knows. (Also, I’m now thinking about those State Farm commercials. Jake, from State Farm. He’s a guy. Well,she sounds hideous. I dunno. Tangents are something my brain loves.) This is apparently a way to break a stalemate, and guys want an excuse to be invited to speak to you. Ummm, whut? If he wants to message you, he will (or he’ll send a dick pic and be that guy). But using his name makes it personal, so NOW he’ll definitely message you back.
So, Cosmo gives the advice of pretend to like shit you don’t actually like to get the hot guy to like you. He’s gonna figure it out, ladies. He’s gonna invite you to Disney on Ice because Buzz Lightyear is skating at this show. And you’ll have to pretend you love it. Have fun while the kid sitting next to you gets her cotton candy stuck on your purse.
If you’re just looking for a fuck, then go for it, and I think some of these tips might work for that (I’m not trying any of them out – you go ahead though). But if you’re looking for an actual relationship, don’t lie. Pretty straight forward.
I guess what I’m saying is don’t lie. If you don’t like something, don’t pretend to love it. Not even if the guy is incredibly hot (that picture? Still George Clooney. If any of this crap works, and he looks like Ryan Gosling instead of George? Go for it, girl, but realize that if you lied, he’ll figure it out. He’s probably not stupid. And if he is? Go to brunch with your girlfriends and share the picture of his dick. Because he totally sent you one.)