Don’t lie to get a guy to like you

Seems like a no brainer, right?  If you lie to a guy from the get-go, he’ll figure it out eventually.  Guys aren’t stupid, even if we like to think they are (thanks television and dumbass guys).  Sure, some of them are complete fucking morons, but some girls are too.

So, when my dear friend Paul asked me what the four texts are that men can’t resist (April 2016 Cosmo), I had to find out.  Because if a guy can’t resist, then I’ve simply got to try them!

Oh sweet baby Jesus on a pogo stick, I do not.  This collection of “helpful” snippets basically tells me to lie.  No mention of whether I actually like the things I’m about to pretend to like.  No mention of whether I should tell the truth and just try to connect with him.

I get it.  Online dating is weird.  It’s difficult.  You have to make yourself sound REALLY interesting to get him to look past your picture.  And don’t even get me started on choosing a picture to post.  I was always tempted to post one of me with smeared makeup, rat nest hair from all that drunken “sex” where someone almost had an orgasm, tired, hungover – this is what you get on a Sunday morning if we go out for ALL THE DRINKS on a Saturday night!  Lucky you!  You have to endure getting pictures of dicks in your messages (more on that in another blog post).  But to flat out lie?  No, the article doesn’t tell you to lie, but it also doesn’t mention that the things you’re going to send to him should be the truth.

Anyway, on to the “4 online dating opening lines he can’t resist.”  (note – is it really that hard to spell out four?)  These have been recommended by Matthew Hussey, who is apparently a “dating mastermind.”

“Are you really [an X]??”

Uh, a what now?  A man?  A Christian?  Oh, right.  Ask him about his interests.  So if he mentions salsa dancing or a vacation in Vietnam, tell him you love those things!  No mention that you might hate dancing and have no dreams to travel to Vietnam.  He now wants to impress you  because you think things he likes are really great!  I assume they mean you should actually like these things, but come on.  Don’t fawn over him just because you think his picture is hot.  Probably not him anyway.  You didn’t notice that’s actually a picture of George Clooney?

I definitely did stupid shit like this in my 20s (before online dating because the internet wasn’t really a big thing when I was in my early 20s and dating – or it was and I just wasn’t hip or whatever word the kids are using these days).  I pretended to be interested in things I couldn’t have cared less about.  But then I also remember saying I loved baseball to a guy once when I was recently single.  He didn’t believe me, but I was being truthful.  Too many women lie about liking sports because they think guys will think it’s cool.  Don’t say you like sports unless you actually like whatever sport it is.  I still run into this, even if I’m not trying to date someone.

“[That jacket/those glasses/that suit in your pic…”  (it’s driving me crazy that they didn’t put spaces between the periods in the ellipses, but that’s my own thing.  I use two spaces after a period in a sentence.  I can deal with this.)

So, what about those things?  Oh, you’re building intrigue.  He’s going to be DYING to know what you’re thinking.  He is?  He’s probably busy taking pictures of his dick to send to you.  Kidding (or maybe not – the number of dick pics I got when I was on OKCupid was kind of shocking – dicks are ugly, guys.  Stop it.  I’m not gonna go all Kardashian on you and send you a tit pic).  There’s something in here about a picture of him in a Buzz Lightyear costume, and you’re supposed to be all “I WANT IT” or “I salute you for being able to pull it off.”  What the hell kind of dating site are they recommending you go on?

“I have no idea if we would get along, but I had to send you a message just because you also love [X].”

Again, no mention of whether you actually also love whatever X is.  When I had an online dating profile, I actually had guys use this line on me and try to tell me they love baseball too.  “OMG THE CUBS ARE AWESOME I LOVE BASEBALL TOO.”  Well, the Cubs are kind of my backup team, my go to NL team, but okay.  I’d ask if they went to games, and it usually ended in either no, never, or yeah, “me and my friends went and got so fucking wasted at Wrigley.”  (I actually just logged into an old account to find that gem – if you know me, you know I’m totally down with beers at a baseball game, but do not fucking tell me the highlight is getting wasted.  You probably acted like a complete asshole and annoyed someone who paid a ton to actually see the game).  Back to this message.  This article tells me that men feel safe if the woman they’re talking to approves of their passion for a thing.  I think people like people with whom they have something in common – not exactly rocket science, here, Mr. Hussey.  It then goes on about how telling him you have “no idea if you’d get along” will challenge him to prove you will.  Not all people like a challenge and would roll their eyes and hit delete.  If you think you might not get along, then why are you messaging?  Because you think he’s hot, right?

“So, [Tom], are we going to talk or just stare at each other’s profile pics all day?”

Oh you have to be fucking joking.  If someone sent me this, I’d delete it immediately, but I’m not a guy, so who knows.  (Also, I’m now thinking about those State Farm commercials.  Jake, from State Farm.  He’s a guy.  Well,she sounds hideous.  I dunno.  Tangents are something my  brain loves.)  This is apparently a way to break a stalemate, and guys want an excuse to be invited to speak to you.  Ummm, whut?  If he wants to message you, he will (or he’ll send a dick pic and be that guy).  But using his name makes it personal, so NOW he’ll definitely message you back.

So, Cosmo gives the advice of pretend to like shit you don’t actually like to get the hot guy to like you.  He’s gonna figure it out, ladies.  He’s gonna invite you to Disney on Ice because Buzz Lightyear is skating at this show.  And you’ll have to pretend you love it. Have fun while the kid sitting next to you gets her cotton candy stuck on your purse.

If you’re just looking for a fuck, then go for it, and I think some of these tips might work for that (I’m not trying any of them out – you go ahead though).  But if you’re looking for an actual relationship, don’t lie.  Pretty straight forward.

I guess what I’m saying is don’t lie.  If you don’t like something, don’t pretend to love it.  Not even if the guy is incredibly hot (that picture?  Still George Clooney.  If any of this crap works, and he looks like Ryan Gosling instead of George?  Go for it, girl, but realize that if you lied, he’ll figure it out.  He’s probably not stupid.  And if he is?  Go to brunch with your girlfriends and share the picture of his dick.  Because he totally sent you one.)



How Are You So Good at This? (aka things not to ask)

So, this magazine is a monthly, but this is the third week in a row when I’ve gotten an issue.  Today, April’s issue showed up.  Kaley Cuoco on the cover wearing daisy dukes with a white tank top unsnapped down much of the front to show off her boobs.  Thumbs slung through her belt loops, leg cocked, you get the idea.  I always dress like that on weekends in the summer when I’m going to the grocery store.  Somehow, she looks hotter than I do.  I really need to hire a stylist.

This issue comes with a trigger warning.  Sex inside.  Clever Cosmo, very clever.  But I’m not a fan of using that term in a cute way when we know there’s sex inside (it’s Cosmo, for fuck’s sake), and you’re not pushing a story about sexual assault on college campuses.  The headline meant to catch your eye is “WILD SEX! That Big Bang Is the Sound of Your Bed Breaking!”  Get it?  Kaley is on the CBS show “The Big Bang Theory.”  (You can’t see me, but even I’m rolling my eyes here.)

A reader (uh, huh, suuuuure) sent in an email asking for advice about sex with her new partner so that it’s “fun and not awkward.”   They don’t say if these mystery people have already done the deed and it’s boring as shit (grey.  I think I’ll paint the ceiling grey – ask me about it if you don’t know this joke = it’s a hilarious old people joke), or if they’re going to do it for the first time.

In my experience, if it’s someone you want to have sex with, and you’re willing to communicate with your partner, it will be fun and not awkward.  If it’s still awkward, well, I dunno what to tell you.  But remember that awkward can be hilarious.  Awkward can be sexy in its own way.  Be adventurous.  Be vanilla if you both like a little missionary bang every once in a while (or even if that’s all you like).  Say no if you don’t like something, but don’t just shut something down because it seems weird.  If it’s not fun or you just don’t want to have sex with the person again?  Don’t.  Anyway.

The writer says she prefers to have the home court advantage.  I disagree.  I want to be able to grab my purse (or my clothes, but details) and get the hell out of there if I’m not feeling it or if he gets weird.  If he’s at my house, I have to be all “GET OUT” or sic a toothless cat on him.  I could start swinging my giant maglite flashlight at him if he refuses to leave, but I’d still rather be able to run if I want to.

Her three reasons you “should never go to a dude’s place for first-time effing.”

  1. Boy Bathroom.  She’s assuming that you’re dating a 20-something guy who also happens to be nasty and doesn’t ever clean.  I’ve seen a few guys’ bathrooms in my day, and only a couple of them were gross.  Hell, your bathroom might be gross too.  Probably not if you’re expecting an overnight guest.  Probably not his either if he’s expecting you.  Men aren’t complete idiots, and they don’t just think with their dicks.
  2. Terrible Decor.  Uh, like your house is gorgeous when you’re in your 20’s?  Hell, I’m almost 40, and this place is nothing out of Pottery Barn.  Mismatched Ikea furniture, a 20+ year old couch, the rug probably, well, let’s just don’t assume that he doesn’t have better decor that you do, and if you’re there to do the deed, then what the hell do you care what it looks like?  It’s not like you’re doing it with the lights on anyway (or are you?  If you are, you go!).  You might even be lucky enough to have your blush match his sheets.  If you’re going for dead chick blue again.  Or if his Mom bought them, they might actually match your blush.
  3. Fear Factor – yeah, this is kind of why I don’t want him in my house.  If things go badly, I want to be able to cut and run and get the hell out of there.

Anyway, she then jumps right into fun new positions to try.  And these aren’t simple positions for your first time, IMO.  These are positions to try with someone you’ve done it with missionary (or even doggy style if you’re into that) a few times and you’re comfortable with each other because you’re gonna laugh and someone’s gonna get hurt if you do it wrong.  And based on these pictures, things will get stuck where you didn’t intend for it to get stuck.  A first time might not be the best time to figure out how either of you feels about anal.  You’re expecting to get your G-spot rocked (or something like that according to one of these positions), and instead you’re like “HOLD ON THERE, COWBOY NOT SO FAST.”

These positions?  Someone’s probably going to fart (probably you based on some of these yoga-esque positions – and if you don’t fart during yoga?  Either you’re lying or you’ve got to share your secret).  They’re called “The Fresh Frolic,” (you on your back with your hips way up, him on his knees), “Your First Rodeo,” (straddling him with your back to him while he’s laying down), and “The Rookie Rock.”  Which google that one your damn self because I don’t even.  I think of rookies, and I think of rookie pitchers carrying a pink backpack out to the bullpen before a game.  I think of men playing a kid’s game dressed up like the Disney Princesses in the baseball clubhouse.  I don’t think of whatever it is these people are doing.  Unless I’m doing it with a baseball player of my choosing, and then, well, maybe I’ll consider it.

Okay, so I don’t think any of those are all that hot, and unless you’re doing it really wrong or your bed is really fragile, you’re probably not going to break the bed.  This magazine LIES.  I know.  I’m shocked and surprised too.

I’m going to leave you with one other thing she recommends.  Dirty talk that’s not weird.

Uh, when did dirty talk become a weird thing?  Some people get really turned on by dirty talk.  Some people don’t. I know I’m one of those people who has no qualms about saying what I am okay with and what is a no go.  If you’re not, that’s okay.  It’s even great, but you need to communicate this to your partner somehow.  No lie?  Practice saying it to yourself.  Out loud when you’re alone.  Get okay with saying the words.  “Sorry, but I do not want you to stick your penis in my ass.  But this, I’m okay with.”  Figure out what you’re okay with, and go for it.  It’s not dirty talk (but it can really turn you on when the two of you figure out something you’re both into).

If you’re not down with talking dirty, say so.  If you are?  Give it a shot.  But these are the “no-fail sexy sayings to bust out early in the game.”  I’m good with giving the dirty talk a shot from the get go, and if the other person isn’t into it?  You’ll know pretty quickly.  But I digress.

  1. “I want to do bad things to you.”  So, you’ve gone to bed with a serial killer?  Someone who wants to go all “Fifty Shades” without deciding on a safe word ahead of time?  (google it if you don’t know what a safe word is – I’m not sure if they mentioned it in that book, I didn’t read it.)  Sex isn’t bad.  Doing things you want to do isn’t bad as long as your partner consents and you’re both of a legal age.
  2. “I can’t wait to feel you on top of/underneath/inside me.”  Fair enough.  I can’t argue with this one, though I don’t think that’s dirty talk.  If you’re being honest, well, then it’s just talk, amirite?
  3. “I’m so wet/you’re so hard.”  I don’t know as these things really need to be said unless you’re trying to bump up his ego (is telling him his dick can get hard really an ego booster?  Dicks get hard when they’re turned on unless you’re in need of Viagra or have some other medical condition, right?).  If you’re wet, and he’s anywhere near there?  He knows.  And again.  This isn’t really dirty, is it?
  4. “Please don’t stop.”  Jesus.  I’d hate to think what this woman would do if someone actually talked dirty to her.  Or if she’s ever thought about saying words like, “don’t stop banging your big hard cock into me.”  I mean, they’re probably sanitizing the magazine a bit, but these things seem to me to be things that you just say when you’re getting it on.
  5. “How are you so good at this?”

I don’t think I even need to say why number 5 is a terrible idea.  You’re down there, giving him what you hope is the blow job of his life (moaning and being enthusiastic according to this article), and he asks how you’re so good at this.  I’m sure it’s a rhetorical question, but I’m betting you’re now thinking about the guy(s) you’re done this to in the past and how you’ve had (theoretical) tons of practice.  If you want to talk about your history and your prior number of sexual partners, you go right on ahead, but I’d recommend doing this long before clothes start coming off.  The blow job you gave to that guy in the walk-in kitchen when you worked at, well, let’s just say that now isn’t the time you probably want to think about that.  Unless you have fond memories of that guy and it gets you a little more into it.  He probably doesn’t want you to stop and give a real answer, anyway.  If he’s going down on you (you lucky girl!), do you really want him to start thinking about that chick he went down on in the bathroom of his childhood home while his entire family was in the other room for a party?

I didn’t think so.  So don’t ever say that.  You don’t really want to know how, do you?

This magazine.  When I subscribed to it when in law school, I laughed and took it with a grain of salt (though if there were sexual positions, the guy I was dating then was always down to try something new.  We never broke a bed, though damn if some of the time we didn’t come close.  Not because it was sexy but because we were probably doing it wrong).  But with some of the bullshit in here, I worry that women will take this shit seriously.  It’s not all bad advice when it comes to sex, but I’m not sure it’s at all accurate.

I promise I’ll try to be more funny next time.  There are makeup tips that I cannot WAIT to share with you.  This issue has shampoo and conditioner samples in it.  I’m sure my hair will look FABULOUS when I use them in Miami so I can put booze in little bottles in my quart bag when I travel next month.

xoxo~ elm

Going All The Way

The anticipation.  The foreplay (if there isn’t foreplay, I’m not going all the way, but that’s just me).  The waiting.  Are you sure?  Now?  There?  RIGHT THERE, OH GOD YES THERE.

I’m one of those people who loves foreplay.  I get that sometimes you just need to get down to the business of a good fuck, but most of the time?  Let’s play around before we go there, you do me, I do you, before we do each other (I am SO sorry to my parents if you’re reading this, but shit, I’m almost 40, and this is a blog that is kind of about a sex magazine)

So this new issue of Cosmo showed up, and it had many covers.  One that was an ad for shampoo, then various covers of Jessica Alba.  The headlines? SEX MOVES: Awaken Your Force, Light His Saber!; and then some shit about her figuring out who she is.

I don’t know about you, but while I’m happy for Jess that she’s figured out who she is and feels more grounded?  I could not fucking care less.  So back to those sex moves.that turn sex into Star Wars. Note: I will admit that I’m not a big Star Wars fan, but I’d wear the gold bikini for the right guy.

Okay, so this article is about foreplay and making out.  Different kinds of kisses.  I’m too fucking old for this.  If you want to give a great BJ though (says Cosmo)?  Flick your tongue along his frenulum, whatever that is (if you’re my age and can’t give a good BJ, well . . . ).  This article also talks about low circles toward your clitoris (doesn’t mention that you may have to tell him where it is, and I’m not insulting men here – if he’s not already sure?  SHOW HIM WHERE IT IS)

Hold up.  That’s it?  The next article is about the woman’s “right to come last.”

I think I missed the ways I can “light his saber.”

Okay, so let’s find our happy place.  Front page says “Instant Bliss Anytime, Anywhere”

I can’t even with this.  It’s things that make you figure out what kind of person and then identify your activity.  Nope.

Things to note: light his saber by giving a blow job – can’t hurt.  Have him light yours by going down on you.- show him what you like if he’s not hitting it.


XOXO~ elm












I’m really not that turned on

As I’ve mentioned, I’m a woman in my (very late) 30s.  You may have heard about how women hit their sexual prime in their 30s and their sex drive amps up to 11.  Mine isn’t up to 11, but I’m not going to lie, it doesn’t always take much to get me a little turned on (there are times when you could try all day and I could not fucking care less, so there’s that too).

So when I saw the headline for “SEX TIPS SO HOT: YOU’LL GET TURNED ON JUST READING THEM” in the February issue of Cosmo, I was a bit intrigued.  Still confused as to why this magazine showed up in my mailbox, but intrigued.  This means I can quit trying to find the perfect erotica fiction that meets my requirements of being a little penthouse while not being as badly written as that book about colors of paint (ask me to tell you the joke about the wife painting the ceiling grey.  It’s great, I promise).

I have to note here that I pulled out the perfume samples, and a week later, this magazine still reeks.  I went online and requested a magazine without perfume samples.  I also sent an email to find out who I have to thank for the subscription, but I haven’t heard back yet.

“From sweet ways to surprise your bae . . . ”

Wait.  What in the fuck is a bae?  Off to google.  Before Anyone Else.  Also a Danish word for poop.  I’m not Danish, so we’ll go with that first thing.  I’m before anyone else, so these are masturbation tips?  Damn.  I have to thank whoever sent this magazine.  I’m single, so something other than a quick five minutes before bed might be interesting to try.  Like Samantha when she stayed in bed and masturbated all day.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, go grab a Cosmo.  This isn’t the blog for you.

Play a game with sexy stakes. (I’d prefer a bloody steak but whatevs), send sexy photos of yourself (hello do NOT text nudie pics!), get hot in the kitchen (are we cleaning the oven? Because that setting gets your kitchen about a million degrees), and read Growl a collection of werewolf erotica (dafuq?)

Okay, so this isn’t quite what I was thinking.  You’re doing the dirty with someone else.  Got it.

Go to the movies with a je joue dua (I’m thinking this is a vibrator) in your granny panties (my suggestion because if that falls on the floor while you’re walking, that could be embarrassing and expensive if it breaks) and have him use the remote when there is sexy time on the screen.

Didn’t Pee Wee Herman get arrested for something like this?  Or maybe he was solo.  Either way, no.  Don’t do this.  Respect the people in the theatre who also paid like $10 to see the damn movie.  Do your diddling at home.

And wear socks while you’re fucking because apparently you’re more likely to have an orgasm. You know, “those wacky wool socks aunt Judy got you for Christmas”

Nothing says turn me on and let’s get busy like thinking about your family.  Have the people who wrote this actually had sex?  Or are they just making it up as they go along?

There’s also some crap about staring at him for 10 seconds to make you “feel more emotionally connected, aka super horny” when you’re out to dinner.  Come on Cosmo, if you’re just staring at each other for that long, you’re probably sitting there thinking, “shit, we should be talking, what should we be talking about?”  Or even thinking about how you want to get naked later, but right that second?  Staring at someone while they’re trying to eat is weird.

And finally, send him a picture of your favorite, excuse me, FAVE lacy thong.

I don’t even own a thong anymore.  If I do, it’s hidden in the back of an underwear drawer from when I was in my 20s.  And when I did wear thongs?  None of them were my fave.  Those things ride up my ass, and I was just wearing them to prevent the dreaded VPL.  Then I got old enough to realize that I’m not wearing couture and if I was wearing couture?  Probably not wearing underwear anyway so as to not mess up the line of the dress.  My dress from the Gap that I’ve paired with leggings is fine with a little panty line.

What are we talking about?  Right.  Getting turned on.

Talk to the guy or gal you like. Keep talking.  If it’s a good conversation, keep talking because you might make a friend.  You might get turned on.  They might too.  If this other person has a significant other, keep your horniness to yourself.  Don’t be that person.  Stick to otherwise unattached people when it comes to trying to hook up.  Go home and rub one out before bed all by yourself.

If you’re getting a little interested?  You’ll know.  If they’re getting a little interested?  They might touch your arm, or ask you if you want to go home and fuck.  If you say no, they say okay and are sad and all is right in the world.  If you ask them, and they say no?  You should also be okay with this and all will be right with the world (ask me for recommendations if you get turned down or spend your nights alone and like to read erotica)

If they say yes?  Well, then game on and go at it.  Get home and fuck like minx.  Use condoms. Wear socks if you want to see if that thing is true.

Once again, Cosmo is not looking at me as their target audience, but the tips aren’t totally off base.  If your sex life is a little boring lately, read an issue of Cosmo, laugh about how this shit is ridiculous, then go and have all the sex.

And if you’re solo like me?  I can recommend some good erotica fiction.



I’m not their target audience.

On February 26, 2016, I received a magazine in the mail.  The only magazines I subscribe to are The Atlantic (free because I give money to NPR) and Sports Illustrated (free when I bought some baseball tickets last summer), so when I opened my mailbox to find a copy of Cosmopolitan, I figured it must have been delivered to the wrong mailbox.

But it wasn’t.  My name was on the address label, along with “JAN20,” which means that I’ll be getting this magazine until January of 2020.  Four years of a magazine that I last subscribed to and read religiously when I was about 20 years old.  I didn’t sign up for it, but here it was.

The February 2016 issue has a sassy picture of Julianne Hough on it (I had to google who she was – Dancing With the Stars, dated Ryan Seacrest) in a one piece bathing suit of sorts.  Boobs up, smiling all sexy-like (or what I assume is sexy-like – it’s a face I’ve never made in my life).  The stories inside promised to tell me how to “Look Hotter NAKED!” and would give me “SEX TIPS SO HOT YOU’LL GET TURNED ON JUST READING THEM.”  Well alrighty then.  Let’s see what we have here.

I started flipping through the pages, and this magazine stinks.  Four different perfume samples.  Yuck.  I ripped those out and flipped past ads for makeup and shampoo.  I read a couple of articles first, but this one had my attention.  Look Hotter Naked.  Who doesn’t want to look hotter without clothes on?

But I know what I look like naked.  A little background.  I’m roughly 39.5 years old as I write this.  I’m overweight (but successfully working on losing weight).  I’m single, and it’s been a long time since anyone who isn’t a doctor saw me naked with the lights on, let alone in broad daylight.  If you’re my age, you may know how it is.  You’re too fucking old to be ashamed of what you look like naked, but you’re not exactly prancing around in a spotlight displaying the goodies when you’re hoping to be on the road to O town.

Anyway, the tips are ridiculous, and I summed them up like this on Facebook:

How to look hotter naked (according to Cosmo):

take a salt bath, brush your skin towards your heart to increase circulation, and buy some rando caffeine gel to tighten your abs.Then sit on this textured mat that makes your ass all bumpy to increase circulation (then avoid your guy or gal for half an hour while your ass is all bumpy). Don’t drink anything with bubbles. And zap yourself with electricity to tense your muscles. So basically taze yourself?

I can’t even with this bullshit.

Moisturizer! With GLITTER! And be sure to shave because OMG BODY HAIR IS GROSS.There’s something in here about not sweating. If you’re doing the fucking right, you’re probably sweating at least a little. Freeze your fat? WTF. Put bronzer EVERYWHERE! Because changing your skin tone won’t stain the fuck out of your sheets.

And these last little things!
wear a body chain! (a what?)
wear heels! (peep toes with platform heels make your ass look banging – when it’s banging into the floor because you’re naked and trying to walk and trip over yourself)
bling it on (so basically vagazziling or whatever I guess?)
dimmable lights – so you don’t look like a jackass in your body chain and heels with crystals on your labia?
Candles – but jesus h. christ have a fire extinguisher ready that the other person knows how to use when you trip and fall into the candles
Get sheets that match your blush – what in the actual fuck. My sheets kinda sorta look good with the paint in my room. They’re soft. I like them. They only match my blush if I’m going for dead chick blue.

This magazine is bullshit.


This quickly devolved into some hilarious comments from friends about how you can’t drink beer because you’ll be bloated, dying your labia to be a more appealing color, and whether they sell blush in patterns that match your warm flannel sheets.

When I was in my 20s, I was so fucking insecure about what I looked like with clothes on, let alone without any on, I probably would have happily taken some of this advice and tried them with whatever  guy I was dating at the time.  But thinking back to the guys I dated (and/or slept with) when I was in my 20s?  Those guys didn’t give a shit about candles or whether my ass had cellulite, though I’m pretty sure one of them had a pretty wicked shoe fetish.  And notice that one thing about dimmable lights?  Yeah.  Even in your 20s, you’re probably not prancing around with a 100 watt bulb blaring.  Strip clubs have dim lighting for a reason.  We all know we have flaws, and we want to hide them or at least make them a bit less obvious.

If you’re already at the point where the guy or gal is making out with you?  They probably want to see you naked and don’t give a fuck if you look like Kate Upton.  And if you’re a guy reading this?  That girl (or guy) doesn’t care if you look like Channing Tatum.  They’re just happy to be making out with you and hoping it might go “all the way” as the kids say.  Or at least as the kids said when I was a kid.

I realize I’m not the target audience for Cosmo.  That’s the point of this blog.  But I guess I want to poke fun at the ridiculousness of this magazine and make you laugh while also sending a message that there might be something to learn from this ridiculous crap.

XOXO~ elm