As I’ve mentioned, I’m a woman in my (very late) 30s. You may have heard about how women hit their sexual prime in their 30s and their sex drive amps up to 11. Mine isn’t up to 11, but I’m not going to lie, it doesn’t always take much to get me a little turned on (there are times when you could try all day and I could not fucking care less, so there’s that too).
So when I saw the headline for “SEX TIPS SO HOT: YOU’LL GET TURNED ON JUST READING THEM” in the February issue of Cosmo, I was a bit intrigued. Still confused as to why this magazine showed up in my mailbox, but intrigued. This means I can quit trying to find the perfect erotica fiction that meets my requirements of being a little penthouse while not being as badly written as that book about colors of paint (ask me to tell you the joke about the wife painting the ceiling grey. It’s great, I promise).
I have to note here that I pulled out the perfume samples, and a week later, this magazine still reeks. I went online and requested a magazine without perfume samples. I also sent an email to find out who I have to thank for the subscription, but I haven’t heard back yet.
“From sweet ways to surprise your bae . . . ”
Wait. What in the fuck is a bae? Off to google. Before Anyone Else. Also a Danish word for poop. I’m not Danish, so we’ll go with that first thing. I’m before anyone else, so these are masturbation tips? Damn. I have to thank whoever sent this magazine. I’m single, so something other than a quick five minutes before bed might be interesting to try. Like Samantha when she stayed in bed and masturbated all day. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, go grab a Cosmo. This isn’t the blog for you.
Play a game with sexy stakes. (I’d prefer a bloody steak but whatevs), send sexy photos of yourself (hello do NOT text nudie pics!), get hot in the kitchen (are we cleaning the oven? Because that setting gets your kitchen about a million degrees), and read Growl a collection of werewolf erotica (dafuq?)
Okay, so this isn’t quite what I was thinking. You’re doing the dirty with someone else. Got it.
Go to the movies with a je joue dua (I’m thinking this is a vibrator) in your granny panties (my suggestion because if that falls on the floor while you’re walking, that could be embarrassing and expensive if it breaks) and have him use the remote when there is sexy time on the screen.
Didn’t Pee Wee Herman get arrested for something like this? Or maybe he was solo. Either way, no. Don’t do this. Respect the people in the theatre who also paid like $10 to see the damn movie. Do your diddling at home.
And wear socks while you’re fucking because apparently you’re more likely to have an orgasm. You know, “those wacky wool socks aunt Judy got you for Christmas”
Nothing says turn me on and let’s get busy like thinking about your family. Have the people who wrote this actually had sex? Or are they just making it up as they go along?
There’s also some crap about staring at him for 10 seconds to make you “feel more emotionally connected, aka super horny” when you’re out to dinner. Come on Cosmo, if you’re just staring at each other for that long, you’re probably sitting there thinking, “shit, we should be talking, what should we be talking about?” Or even thinking about how you want to get naked later, but right that second? Staring at someone while they’re trying to eat is weird.
And finally, send him a picture of your favorite, excuse me, FAVE lacy thong.
I don’t even own a thong anymore. If I do, it’s hidden in the back of an underwear drawer from when I was in my 20s. And when I did wear thongs? None of them were my fave. Those things ride up my ass, and I was just wearing them to prevent the dreaded VPL. Then I got old enough to realize that I’m not wearing couture and if I was wearing couture? Probably not wearing underwear anyway so as to not mess up the line of the dress. My dress from the Gap that I’ve paired with leggings is fine with a little panty line.
What are we talking about? Right. Getting turned on.
Talk to the guy or gal you like. Keep talking. If it’s a good conversation, keep talking because you might make a friend. You might get turned on. They might too. If this other person has a significant other, keep your horniness to yourself. Don’t be that person. Stick to otherwise unattached people when it comes to trying to hook up. Go home and rub one out before bed all by yourself.
If you’re getting a little interested? You’ll know. If they’re getting a little interested? They might touch your arm, or ask you if you want to go home and fuck. If you say no, they say okay and are sad and all is right in the world. If you ask them, and they say no? You should also be okay with this and all will be right with the world (ask me for recommendations if you get turned down or spend your nights alone and like to read erotica)
If they say yes? Well, then game on and go at it. Get home and fuck like minx. Use condoms. Wear socks if you want to see if that thing is true.
Once again, Cosmo is not looking at me as their target audience, but the tips aren’t totally off base. If your sex life is a little boring lately, read an issue of Cosmo, laugh about how this shit is ridiculous, then go and have all the sex.
And if you’re solo like me? I can recommend some good erotica fiction.