How Are You So Good at This? (aka things not to ask)

So, this magazine is a monthly, but this is the third week in a row when I’ve gotten an issue.  Today, April’s issue showed up.  Kaley Cuoco on the cover wearing daisy dukes with a white tank top unsnapped down much of the front to show off her boobs.  Thumbs slung through her belt loops, leg cocked, you get the idea.  I always dress like that on weekends in the summer when I’m going to the grocery store.  Somehow, she looks hotter than I do.  I really need to hire a stylist.

This issue comes with a trigger warning.  Sex inside.  Clever Cosmo, very clever.  But I’m not a fan of using that term in a cute way when we know there’s sex inside (it’s Cosmo, for fuck’s sake), and you’re not pushing a story about sexual assault on college campuses.  The headline meant to catch your eye is “WILD SEX! That Big Bang Is the Sound of Your Bed Breaking!”  Get it?  Kaley is on the CBS show “The Big Bang Theory.”  (You can’t see me, but even I’m rolling my eyes here.)

A reader (uh, huh, suuuuure) sent in an email asking for advice about sex with her new partner so that it’s “fun and not awkward.”   They don’t say if these mystery people have already done the deed and it’s boring as shit (grey.  I think I’ll paint the ceiling grey – ask me about it if you don’t know this joke = it’s a hilarious old people joke), or if they’re going to do it for the first time.

In my experience, if it’s someone you want to have sex with, and you’re willing to communicate with your partner, it will be fun and not awkward.  If it’s still awkward, well, I dunno what to tell you.  But remember that awkward can be hilarious.  Awkward can be sexy in its own way.  Be adventurous.  Be vanilla if you both like a little missionary bang every once in a while (or even if that’s all you like).  Say no if you don’t like something, but don’t just shut something down because it seems weird.  If it’s not fun or you just don’t want to have sex with the person again?  Don’t.  Anyway.

The writer says she prefers to have the home court advantage.  I disagree.  I want to be able to grab my purse (or my clothes, but details) and get the hell out of there if I’m not feeling it or if he gets weird.  If he’s at my house, I have to be all “GET OUT” or sic a toothless cat on him.  I could start swinging my giant maglite flashlight at him if he refuses to leave, but I’d still rather be able to run if I want to.

Her three reasons you “should never go to a dude’s place for first-time effing.”

  1. Boy Bathroom.  She’s assuming that you’re dating a 20-something guy who also happens to be nasty and doesn’t ever clean.  I’ve seen a few guys’ bathrooms in my day, and only a couple of them were gross.  Hell, your bathroom might be gross too.  Probably not if you’re expecting an overnight guest.  Probably not his either if he’s expecting you.  Men aren’t complete idiots, and they don’t just think with their dicks.
  2. Terrible Decor.  Uh, like your house is gorgeous when you’re in your 20’s?  Hell, I’m almost 40, and this place is nothing out of Pottery Barn.  Mismatched Ikea furniture, a 20+ year old couch, the rug probably, well, let’s just don’t assume that he doesn’t have better decor that you do, and if you’re there to do the deed, then what the hell do you care what it looks like?  It’s not like you’re doing it with the lights on anyway (or are you?  If you are, you go!).  You might even be lucky enough to have your blush match his sheets.  If you’re going for dead chick blue again.  Or if his Mom bought them, they might actually match your blush.
  3. Fear Factor – yeah, this is kind of why I don’t want him in my house.  If things go badly, I want to be able to cut and run and get the hell out of there.

Anyway, she then jumps right into fun new positions to try.  And these aren’t simple positions for your first time, IMO.  These are positions to try with someone you’ve done it with missionary (or even doggy style if you’re into that) a few times and you’re comfortable with each other because you’re gonna laugh and someone’s gonna get hurt if you do it wrong.  And based on these pictures, things will get stuck where you didn’t intend for it to get stuck.  A first time might not be the best time to figure out how either of you feels about anal.  You’re expecting to get your G-spot rocked (or something like that according to one of these positions), and instead you’re like “HOLD ON THERE, COWBOY NOT SO FAST.”

These positions?  Someone’s probably going to fart (probably you based on some of these yoga-esque positions – and if you don’t fart during yoga?  Either you’re lying or you’ve got to share your secret).  They’re called “The Fresh Frolic,” (you on your back with your hips way up, him on his knees), “Your First Rodeo,” (straddling him with your back to him while he’s laying down), and “The Rookie Rock.”  Which google that one your damn self because I don’t even.  I think of rookies, and I think of rookie pitchers carrying a pink backpack out to the bullpen before a game.  I think of men playing a kid’s game dressed up like the Disney Princesses in the baseball clubhouse.  I don’t think of whatever it is these people are doing.  Unless I’m doing it with a baseball player of my choosing, and then, well, maybe I’ll consider it.

Okay, so I don’t think any of those are all that hot, and unless you’re doing it really wrong or your bed is really fragile, you’re probably not going to break the bed.  This magazine LIES.  I know.  I’m shocked and surprised too.

I’m going to leave you with one other thing she recommends.  Dirty talk that’s not weird.

Uh, when did dirty talk become a weird thing?  Some people get really turned on by dirty talk.  Some people don’t. I know I’m one of those people who has no qualms about saying what I am okay with and what is a no go.  If you’re not, that’s okay.  It’s even great, but you need to communicate this to your partner somehow.  No lie?  Practice saying it to yourself.  Out loud when you’re alone.  Get okay with saying the words.  “Sorry, but I do not want you to stick your penis in my ass.  But this, I’m okay with.”  Figure out what you’re okay with, and go for it.  It’s not dirty talk (but it can really turn you on when the two of you figure out something you’re both into).

If you’re not down with talking dirty, say so.  If you are?  Give it a shot.  But these are the “no-fail sexy sayings to bust out early in the game.”  I’m good with giving the dirty talk a shot from the get go, and if the other person isn’t into it?  You’ll know pretty quickly.  But I digress.

  1. “I want to do bad things to you.”  So, you’ve gone to bed with a serial killer?  Someone who wants to go all “Fifty Shades” without deciding on a safe word ahead of time?  (google it if you don’t know what a safe word is – I’m not sure if they mentioned it in that book, I didn’t read it.)  Sex isn’t bad.  Doing things you want to do isn’t bad as long as your partner consents and you’re both of a legal age.
  2. “I can’t wait to feel you on top of/underneath/inside me.”  Fair enough.  I can’t argue with this one, though I don’t think that’s dirty talk.  If you’re being honest, well, then it’s just talk, amirite?
  3. “I’m so wet/you’re so hard.”  I don’t know as these things really need to be said unless you’re trying to bump up his ego (is telling him his dick can get hard really an ego booster?  Dicks get hard when they’re turned on unless you’re in need of Viagra or have some other medical condition, right?).  If you’re wet, and he’s anywhere near there?  He knows.  And again.  This isn’t really dirty, is it?
  4. “Please don’t stop.”  Jesus.  I’d hate to think what this woman would do if someone actually talked dirty to her.  Or if she’s ever thought about saying words like, “don’t stop banging your big hard cock into me.”  I mean, they’re probably sanitizing the magazine a bit, but these things seem to me to be things that you just say when you’re getting it on.
  5. “How are you so good at this?”

I don’t think I even need to say why number 5 is a terrible idea.  You’re down there, giving him what you hope is the blow job of his life (moaning and being enthusiastic according to this article), and he asks how you’re so good at this.  I’m sure it’s a rhetorical question, but I’m betting you’re now thinking about the guy(s) you’re done this to in the past and how you’ve had (theoretical) tons of practice.  If you want to talk about your history and your prior number of sexual partners, you go right on ahead, but I’d recommend doing this long before clothes start coming off.  The blow job you gave to that guy in the walk-in kitchen when you worked at, well, let’s just say that now isn’t the time you probably want to think about that.  Unless you have fond memories of that guy and it gets you a little more into it.  He probably doesn’t want you to stop and give a real answer, anyway.  If he’s going down on you (you lucky girl!), do you really want him to start thinking about that chick he went down on in the bathroom of his childhood home while his entire family was in the other room for a party?

I didn’t think so.  So don’t ever say that.  You don’t really want to know how, do you?

This magazine.  When I subscribed to it when in law school, I laughed and took it with a grain of salt (though if there were sexual positions, the guy I was dating then was always down to try something new.  We never broke a bed, though damn if some of the time we didn’t come close.  Not because it was sexy but because we were probably doing it wrong).  But with some of the bullshit in here, I worry that women will take this shit seriously.  It’s not all bad advice when it comes to sex, but I’m not sure it’s at all accurate.

I promise I’ll try to be more funny next time.  There are makeup tips that I cannot WAIT to share with you.  This issue has shampoo and conditioner samples in it.  I’m sure my hair will look FABULOUS when I use them in Miami so I can put booze in little bottles in my quart bag when I travel next month.

xoxo~ elm


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