Some thoughts about baseball and my quest

Yes, I know, you thought this was a blog about sex.  Specifically about the kind of sex Cosmo says you should be having.  This post isn’t necessarily for the target audience of the blog itself.  I’m not sure if that’s irony or not, but I suspect it’s not.  That said, it’s my blog, and I’ll post what I like.  Feel free to skip this one if you’d like.  But if you read it, you might learn a little more about me and how my brain ticks.  Or tics.  I’m pretty sure that happens too.

What’s the quest?  I’ll get to that in a while, but first, some background.

If you’re a friend of mine, you probably know that I kind of have a thing for baseball.  Specifically, the Detroit Tigers, but really, any baseball at all.  I remember my grandma listening to games when I was a little girl.  My parents and I lived near Kalamazoo, and so we didn’t go to games, but I was kind of a fan.  I guess.  Until September of 1984 when we got to go to Detroit to see the Tigers play the Blue Jays.  If you’re up on your baseball, you might know that’s the year the Tigers were on FIRE and won the World Series.  If you’re me, you remember turning 8 years old and being terrified of the big crowds.

Between then and 2006, I kind of ignored baseball.  I vaguely paid attention to the games when I was in college, but I was more concerned with school (yeah, right, school).  In law school, I dated a guy who really loved football and kind of liked baseball, so I saw some games.  There were groups of us that would go to Cubs games and spend crazy amounts of money on beer, especially considering we were poor law students (I’m still paying for that beer now, goddammit).  My parents came to town for a Cubs game.  I still wasn’t focusing on the Tigers.  If you know anything about the Tigers, you know why.  They were complete and utter shit in the late 90s and early 00s (2000s?  I dunno how you’re supposed to say the first decade of the 21st Century).  I don’t think I actually went to a single White Sox game (where I could have seen the Tigers) until 2005.  Kind of sad, all that baseball I missed.  I took note when the White Sox won the World Series in 2005, though.

Anyway, in 2006, the Tigers got good.  I suppose I was a fair weather fan before then.  I apologize whole-heartedly to the Tigers for that.  I should have been paying attention.  I should have been following you.  Maybe it would have helped.  Maybe not.  Baseball has its superstitions, and if those shitty years are my fault, well, I’m sorry.  I’m trying to make up for it now.

I went out to Oakland, California in July of 2006 to see a guy  I was dating* (call it what you will).  He was (and still is) a HUGE baseball fan (Giants, if you’re wondering, though he claims the Royals too since he’s from KC.  I can’t fault him for that.  I claim the Tigers and the Cubs).  He mentioned that the Tigers were playing the A’s while I was out there and did I want to go to the game?  Why the hell not?  I love me some baseball, this guy hates the A’s and will cheer for the Tigers, and beer!  The Tigers lost, he almost got in a fight with a guy who was doing some particularly nasty heckling (I’m so glad I got that park out of the way – their fans are bad), but hmmm.  There’s something to this baseball thing.

I started paying really close attention to baseball after that trip, and my heart was broken when the (goddamn) St. Louis Cardinals beat the Tigers in the World Series.  I’m still bitter about it, something a co-worker who is a die hard Cardinals fan thinks it silly.  I tell him to take his “Cardinal Way” and shove it up his ass.  We agree to disagree, but I digress.  In 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, and 2011, I started paying closer attention, but I still was a bit of a fair weather fan.  Little did I know how important baseball would become in my life.

Along came November of 2011.  I had been working at a job that was literally making me lose my mind.  I was diagnosed with depression and generalized anxiety disorder in 2009 after a quite disastrous trip to Hawai’i, and this job was only making it worse.  It got to the point where the job and I had to part ways.  I did not have another job lined up, but I had a severance package and unemployment benefits.  That winter was a warm one (by Chicago standards) and ended up being eye-opening.  There is a life outside of work.  Yes, money is a concern, but you have to have a life.  You have to do things that make you happy, or you might not be around to see another year.  It’s an ugly truth, and I have some wonderful people to thank for helping me through some really dark times.  You know who you are.

In March of 2012, I got an offer for a great job, and I’m pretty sure my parents breathed the sigh of relief heard around the world.  They never said anything, but I think they were afraid I was going to move home and make all of our lives miserable.  To celebrate our happiness, my Mom asked if I wanted to go somewhere.  Spring Training, maybe?  My Dad wouldn’t be able to go because tax season (best CPA in Southwest Michigan – let me know if you want his number), but she & I would go.  And so we did.

We have a family friend who works for the Tigers at their Spring Training facility (Joker Marchant Stadium, home of the Lakeland Flying Tigers), and we got some tips from her before we showed up.  And show up we did.  We had not great seats for one game, amazing seats for the other.  Got to see the big guys play.  Got to see the kids play – I had to keep checking my score card to see who #98 was.  Got Prince Fielder’s autograph.  It was a good trip.  One that really helped cement my love for this team.  I will always share that with my Mom, and I cannot ever thank her enough for that trip.  I have to take her on one of these trips some time.

I decided some time in 2012 that I would see the Detroit Tigers play at every single MLB park.  If you know baseball, you know this isn’t easy because there are two leagues – American (designated hitter) and National (the pitcher bats), and they don’t often play against each other.  Baseball has made this easier by having inter-league play after putting the Houston Astros into the American League, but it’s still a hotly contested issue among baseball fans.  In 2012, I wasn’t sure how I was going to accomplish this, but I knew I could do it.  It would take years, but I would get it done.  My new boss loved baseball (even if he is a Cardinals fan – he’s not a jerky one, which is rare).  I started stalking cheap tickets to White Sox games when the Tigers would be in town.

30 parks.  Only counts if the Tigers play the game I see.  Game. On.

How We Made Our Sex Lives Hotter (the “we” should have been a clue)

Tip #1 – Have a sex life.  Once upon a time, I had a sex life.  At times, it was great.  At times, well, I had a sex life.  Lately?  No sex life, at least not with a partner.  That couple of minutes before bed when I’m alone – wait.  That’s not what you’re here to read.

So, I was on vacation and the newest issue of Cosmo (May 2016) arrived.  My mailbox was full of crap when I got home, but there was also the Cosmo (and my Sports Illustrated and what I hope is my final issue of The Atlantic – that magazine is boring as fuck.  I think I’m not grown up enough for The Atlantic – maybe someone was on to something by gifting this subscription).  Scarlett Johannson is on the cover.  She’s not a girl crush of mine, but I’m not gonna lie – girl is hot.  There’s a MAJOR KEY ALERT – for the 50 Best Beauty Buys for your glam kit.  Um, glam for me is wearing eyeliner with my other makeup.  There’s a tiny headline about why people cheat and what makes them stop.  I’ll look at that one later.

The headline that caught my eye (right next to Scarlett’s head)?  The 9 Sex Secrets THAT CHANGE EVERYTHING.  (Okay, so the one about how to get a flat belly without crunches caught my eye first, but see above about no sex life.)

Sometimes this magazine assumes you’re a single lady out on the prowl.  Other times the articles about sex are geared towards women in relationships.  This article is definitely the latter.  One of the relationships in the article is about a same-sex couple relationship, so kudos for that, I guess.

Huh.  The article was written because the writer and her husband had stopped having exciting sex when they got married.  Then they decided to have a baby.  And got creative because the sex got routine.  She talks about buying sex toys and what they really wanted in bed.  And now she’s pregnant and due soon.  I’m happy for them, but what?  It’s not always that easy.  Buy sex toys and try new positions and you’re pregnant!  I’ll let my friends know they can stop spending huge amounts of money on fertility treatments and buy stock in dildo companies.  I’ve never tried to get pregnant, but I have a ton of friends who have/did/are, and her making it sound this easy is kind of insulting.  But then, women my age aren’t really Cosmo’s target audience, right?

The next snippet is about a woman who got engaged.  She didn’t know she’d be saying yes to a “sex renaissance.”  When I got engaged, there was nothing like this, but then he proposed in the bathroom of our hotel room and didn’t care enough about me to actually stay in the same city during the summers (we were in law school).  Should have been a red flag.  Wasn’t.  I said yes.  Thank god it didn’t last long, though I foolishly started seeing him again our last semester of school (see above about when I had a great sex life, and no that wasn’t the last time I had a great sex life.  That was in 2010.).  He left Chicago very soon after graduation, I saw him again once, and every now and again I thank god that we both dodged that bullet.  Pretty ring, though.  It lives in a safe deposit box if anyone is interested in a one carat sapphire flanked by 1/3rd carat diamonds in a platinum setting.

Start your own business.  You’re in charge, which makes you feel more in charge in bed.  This article is boring as shit.

Have a long distance relationship (the woman in question was married to a man in the military who was deployed).  Basically, it’s hotter when he gets home.  Never mind that you’ve got kids who you’re managing alone when you’re used to having someone else to help around the house.  Never mind that you’re terrified of something happening to him while he’s away.   Or while she’s away.  The sex makes the worry worth it!  I don’t think so, Cosmo.

Wait!  There’s something in here about actual sex!  Use lube.  The warming one made her more sensitive.  Okay, I can see that one.  Moving on.

Travel – apparently vacation sex is amazing.  I travel a lot to see baseball games and have zero sex while traveling (because traveling alone, though I suppose I could do the find a stranger thing, but I’m busy with baseball when I travel), so maybe I should travel with someone I want to have sex with?  But then I have to travel with someone.  You guys should try this and let me know how it goes for you.  Not literally.  I don’t want to know intimate details of your sex life.

Have a kid.  There’s something about sneaking around to do it when the kid isn’t around, but I’m not touching this one.

Dealing with your own body issues can help you have great sex.  This is true, in my experience.  Being comfortable in your own skin goes a long way when you’re showing all of that skin to someone else.   When I was younger, the lights had to be off while I still had my clothes on.  As I got older, I started to care less about the lights being off.  I’m not saying I’m all, “TURN ON THE HUNDRED WATT BULBS AND CHECK OUT THIS ASS.”  I still care about what I look like when someone sees me naked for the first time, but if we’re to that point, he’s probably already figured out that I’m 39 and gravity is a thing that does odd things to your boobs.  This isn’t something an article in a magazine can tell you.  You have to figure it out for your own self.  Sometimes age helps you sort it out.  Sometimes you just realize that you don’t actually give a shit and want to get laid.  Sometimes you might not sort it out.  No matter what?  If you want the lights off?  Then turn the lights off.

The only other thing in here about the act itself is a position – she calls it the banana split.  Lay on your back, spread your legs and open them.  He “worked his way in from above.”  She had a massive O.  All I’m going to say about this one is that she’s right and wrong.  Your legs can get insanely sore doing this and  cramp up and then you’re like OMFG I HAVE A CHARLEY HORSE, and that might just ruin the moment.

So, Cosmo is kind of boring sometimes.  At least it’s boring to me.  Some of the above may be helpful to you.  If they are?  Let me know.  But leave out the gory details.