How We Made Our Sex Lives Hotter (the “we” should have been a clue)

Tip #1 – Have a sex life.  Once upon a time, I had a sex life.  At times, it was great.  At times, well, I had a sex life.  Lately?  No sex life, at least not with a partner.  That couple of minutes before bed when I’m alone – wait.  That’s not what you’re here to read.

So, I was on vacation and the newest issue of Cosmo (May 2016) arrived.  My mailbox was full of crap when I got home, but there was also the Cosmo (and my Sports Illustrated and what I hope is my final issue of The Atlantic – that magazine is boring as fuck.  I think I’m not grown up enough for The Atlantic – maybe someone was on to something by gifting this subscription).  Scarlett Johannson is on the cover.  She’s not a girl crush of mine, but I’m not gonna lie – girl is hot.  There’s a MAJOR KEY ALERT – for the 50 Best Beauty Buys for your glam kit.  Um, glam for me is wearing eyeliner with my other makeup.  There’s a tiny headline about why people cheat and what makes them stop.  I’ll look at that one later.

The headline that caught my eye (right next to Scarlett’s head)?  The 9 Sex Secrets THAT CHANGE EVERYTHING.  (Okay, so the one about how to get a flat belly without crunches caught my eye first, but see above about no sex life.)

Sometimes this magazine assumes you’re a single lady out on the prowl.  Other times the articles about sex are geared towards women in relationships.  This article is definitely the latter.  One of the relationships in the article is about a same-sex couple relationship, so kudos for that, I guess.

Huh.  The article was written because the writer and her husband had stopped having exciting sex when they got married.  Then they decided to have a baby.  And got creative because the sex got routine.  She talks about buying sex toys and what they really wanted in bed.  And now she’s pregnant and due soon.  I’m happy for them, but what?  It’s not always that easy.  Buy sex toys and try new positions and you’re pregnant!  I’ll let my friends know they can stop spending huge amounts of money on fertility treatments and buy stock in dildo companies.  I’ve never tried to get pregnant, but I have a ton of friends who have/did/are, and her making it sound this easy is kind of insulting.  But then, women my age aren’t really Cosmo’s target audience, right?

The next snippet is about a woman who got engaged.  She didn’t know she’d be saying yes to a “sex renaissance.”  When I got engaged, there was nothing like this, but then he proposed in the bathroom of our hotel room and didn’t care enough about me to actually stay in the same city during the summers (we were in law school).  Should have been a red flag.  Wasn’t.  I said yes.  Thank god it didn’t last long, though I foolishly started seeing him again our last semester of school (see above about when I had a great sex life, and no that wasn’t the last time I had a great sex life.  That was in 2010.).  He left Chicago very soon after graduation, I saw him again once, and every now and again I thank god that we both dodged that bullet.  Pretty ring, though.  It lives in a safe deposit box if anyone is interested in a one carat sapphire flanked by 1/3rd carat diamonds in a platinum setting.

Start your own business.  You’re in charge, which makes you feel more in charge in bed.  This article is boring as shit.

Have a long distance relationship (the woman in question was married to a man in the military who was deployed).  Basically, it’s hotter when he gets home.  Never mind that you’ve got kids who you’re managing alone when you’re used to having someone else to help around the house.  Never mind that you’re terrified of something happening to him while he’s away.   Or while she’s away.  The sex makes the worry worth it!  I don’t think so, Cosmo.

Wait!  There’s something in here about actual sex!  Use lube.  The warming one made her more sensitive.  Okay, I can see that one.  Moving on.

Travel – apparently vacation sex is amazing.  I travel a lot to see baseball games and have zero sex while traveling (because traveling alone, though I suppose I could do the find a stranger thing, but I’m busy with baseball when I travel), so maybe I should travel with someone I want to have sex with?  But then I have to travel with someone.  You guys should try this and let me know how it goes for you.  Not literally.  I don’t want to know intimate details of your sex life.

Have a kid.  There’s something about sneaking around to do it when the kid isn’t around, but I’m not touching this one.

Dealing with your own body issues can help you have great sex.  This is true, in my experience.  Being comfortable in your own skin goes a long way when you’re showing all of that skin to someone else.   When I was younger, the lights had to be off while I still had my clothes on.  As I got older, I started to care less about the lights being off.  I’m not saying I’m all, “TURN ON THE HUNDRED WATT BULBS AND CHECK OUT THIS ASS.”  I still care about what I look like when someone sees me naked for the first time, but if we’re to that point, he’s probably already figured out that I’m 39 and gravity is a thing that does odd things to your boobs.  This isn’t something an article in a magazine can tell you.  You have to figure it out for your own self.  Sometimes age helps you sort it out.  Sometimes you just realize that you don’t actually give a shit and want to get laid.  Sometimes you might not sort it out.  No matter what?  If you want the lights off?  Then turn the lights off.

The only other thing in here about the act itself is a position – she calls it the banana split.  Lay on your back, spread your legs and open them.  He “worked his way in from above.”  She had a massive O.  All I’m going to say about this one is that she’s right and wrong.  Your legs can get insanely sore doing this and  cramp up and then you’re like OMFG I HAVE A CHARLEY HORSE, and that might just ruin the moment.

So, Cosmo is kind of boring sometimes.  At least it’s boring to me.  Some of the above may be helpful to you.  If they are?  Let me know.  But leave out the gory details.

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