Where to start

My god, the June 2016 issue is a fucking treasure trove of crap.  Summer sex?  How to have more money?  Discover your O-Zone: #ClimaxChangeIsReal!  The No-Diet Beach Body – eat the pizza (though it’s an emoji of pizza, so who knows if you actually get to eat anything).  And some chick I’ve never heard of (Shay Mitchell – her boobs are all in the middle of the page though) is going to give me social tricks that I MUST try ASAP.

Now, I haven’t even opened the front page, so I could be entirely wrong, but it’s Cosmo, so I’m guessing I can skip those social tips.  I’m not much for being social.  When the headline “Find the One” is covered up by the mailing label, and you have to just laugh at the “‘I Took My Boyfriend to a Swingers’ Resort'” SO. MANY. BUTTS.” lede, there’s probably a fair amount of crap in here.  So let’s see what we have here.


I’m not gonna lie, the orgasm thing is interesting.  Parents?  Stop reading.  Now.


Seriously.  Stop.  If you don’t?  You’ve been warned.


Alright, you’ve been warned twice.  Quit reading because here we go.

I was fairly young when I figured out what an orgasm was, and well, my boyfriend in my later years of high school was willing to oblige if I returned the favor.  Thankfully, he was good with a little bit of groping around (or maybe he wasn’t, who knows, I was selfish and made sure I got off first; some things don’t change), so those were a good few months.  He’s since become some kind of religious leader (no, really, he has, though I think he calls it a Reverend where I made it sound like a cult), and I can’t laugh enough when I think back to him saying, “OH MY GOD” and trying to finish when one of my parents was about to come downstairs.

ANYWAY, enough about my teenage sex life, let’s talk about yours.  Oh, you’re just here for the magazine critique.

Well, “Make Vanilla Sex Hotter” is on the first page.  The lede is that some of the hottest is the simplest.  Is simplest a word?  I seriously spent about five minutes looking into this while hoping that the Boston Red Sox would just obliterate the White Sox.  I mean come ON.

Anyway, on to the article.

God, this is so misleading.The writer admits to being a little freaky and up for anything.  This is NOT the average person, in my experience.  But I’ll keep reading.  This person talks about movies that get you hot (Blue Is the Warmest Color or Cruel Intentions for her/him – Wild Orchid or baseball for me, but I’m the weird one?) but also talks about respecting sexual boundaries.  So, yeah.  Of course respect those.  NO means no.  I’m not sure means no.  If you’re not sure?  Stop.

Is there a point to all of this?  Is this an article I should care about?  Let’s see:

  1. get so turned on that you need to do it right .  . . wait a fucking minute.  Who are you with?  Oh, right.  You’re with your partner.  Do it now, do it passionate, just do it.  Wait.  I’m not advertising.  Wear Adidas while you do it.  Whatever.
  2. Oh jesus christ.  Focus on your feelings. I’m feeling like I’m looking for that big O, amirite?  Sometimes you couldn’t give even one fuck about feelings, you just want to, well, fuck, and have an o.  This tells you to focus on each other and not toys.  Focus on what you’re doing and get into it.  The article says something about focusing on your boo, but I’m not down with ghosts, so . . .(I know, I’ll show myself out of my own blog)
  3. Hot sex doesn’t have to be kinky – “I love it when you touch me like that” – uh, okay?Doesn’t have to be, but how fun if it is!
  4. Basically?  Go basic and just fuck.  The freaky stuff is expensive and sometimes you just want to do it.

And?  Yeah. there are a couple of other things: think about times you’ve had mind- blowing sex. and why it was awesome, some shit about a roommate (I’m too  goddamn old to have a roommate) and turning off your cell phone and focus, and wear those cheekie undies.  Now, I don’t know about you, but cheekie underpants make me feel like I’ve got a monster wedgie and need to get it out of my ass RIGHT NOW, so that’s really not sexy unless the goal is to get them off as fast as possible, in which case wearing old ugly undies is gonna have the same result.  I don’t want you to see them, so I’ma get them gone as fast as possible.

So, I guess there are some kind of sort of helpful things in here, but really, still not things I haven’t already figured out without buying a magazine.  Thanks again to whoever bought this for me so that I can be reassured that I’m right.

Oh, and parents?  If you read this?  YOU WERE WARNED.



2 thoughts on “Where to start

  1. A. Catherine Noon says:

    I’m so tickled that I stumbled across your blog through a friend’s post on FB. I loved your post!! Thanks for a great read. 🙂


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