The bit on the cover tells you to eat the pizza, and I love anything that tells me how to get a “beach body” without having to diet. You can detect the sarcasm, right? You can’t eat whatever the hell you want and expect that exercise will keep you thin and taut and beautiful like society thinks you should be. It’s science. I’ll leave the explanations to the science people, but I will say that without a healthy diet, you’re not going to lose weight, at least not in my experience. I’ve been incredibly thin, and I’ve been rather fat. I’m not even sure how I got fat the first time. I was running marathons. I was exercising. Oh wait, it was eating too much. Anyway, I digress. I’m in the process of getting thinner, not to get thinner, but to get healthier. When your doctor tells you that if you keep this up you’re going to have a heart attack and die, you get to it and start eating healthier.
So the article. I double checked the page number. Then I checked again. And again. Because it doesn’t say a damn thing about getting a beach body or about eating pizza or whatever else you want. In fact, the title of the article is “The Busy Woman’s Workout.” They mention how being healthy can help keep you sane and how exercising can fall by the wayside. I get that. I do. But then they go here: “Your inspo; the very busy, very fit founders of the fashion line and fitness site Carbon38.” (Cosmo, June 2016 issue, p.94) My inspo? WTF is that? Inspo? Is inspiration really so hard to spell out?
This is literally just a workout they put together from the people who run a website that is allegedly about fitness and fashion (I didn’t actually seek it out – I’m sure you can google it if you’re really interested). There are also links to various websites for the clothes the exercise models are wearing. Not one single mention of diet. Not even a comment about how to get that beach body and eat all the pizza.
What the fuck, Cosmo? Sure, exercise is great, and this looks like a great way to get in a quick workout, but not one thing about how many times a week to do it, how to combine it with diet to get better results, nothing actually useful other than that exercise can help keep you sane. This really isn’t helpful; it’s just a way to use up a couple of pages and promote some rando website that may or may not have paid you to promote them.
Wait. They’re on to something. I need to contact companies to see if they want to pay me to promote them on my blog. So all three of you can visit their website and then not buy anything. Title 9 is totally going for this, right? They might even give me some free clothes. That I might be able to fit into if I continue to eat healthier (the gyro I had for lunch today was delicious, btw) and maybe even start exercising again.
Sorry to those of you who came here looking for helpful sex tips. Those are in the other posts. Some of them. Maybe. There might also be some things about baseball. You never know what you’re gonna get here, kids. You might not be my target audience, but I hope I make you laugh if you land here. And if you know anyone from Title 9? Let me know. I’d love some free yoga pants.