There is nothing wrong with you

It’s been ages since I’ve written one of these, so I’m a little rusty (kind of like my lady bits, amirite? Okay you don’t want to hear about my lack of a sex life, I get it).

But the October 2016 issue of Cosmo proclaims to have the sex secret for easy Os!!!!!!!!!  (their emphasis on exclamation points, not mine), so of course I’m curious.

This gal gets super horny when they start hooking up, but she can’t orgasm.  Cosmo calls it an “O,” I call it an orgasm.  I’m a fan of calling it like it is.  Their advice? Whisper in his ear what you like, guide his fingers where you want them but “even the most confident-seeming bros appreciate a little guidance if it’s what takes you to O-town.” (Ccsmo, October 2016).

Really? “Confident-seeming bros?” I just can’t even. Yes, I want to have sex with a man who has confidence, but what the actual fuck. How about we call him a man rather than a bro? Bro implies that he’s kind of a douche, and while you might want to have sex with that guy, most of the women I know run screaming if he’s a bro. Maybe I don’t know enough women.

This next bit is about pap smears – get them. Talk to your doctor. Don’t take advice from some random blog about your vagina.

And then a bit about female Viagra.

Here’s a fun, random story. I did random temp work back in the day, and one of the jobs I worked was sending out drug samples to doctors’ offices. Some random heart drug, but we were practically strip searched. It was Viagra. They knew even then that it wasn’t gonna be just a heart drug.

ANYWAY. What else can I do to increase my sex drive?

Turn 30. Hell, turn 40. I have no (other person) outlet for my sex drive, but gotdamn is my sex drive off the charts. I mean, I do have an outlet (masturbation is great), but no partner gets old after a while.

The article basically says to fantasize. Unless you’re lucky enough to have that person who wants to work with you to get you both to that O. I dated that guy once, and my god. Best sex of my life.

And until you find that guy? Cosmo has some good advice, y’all. (I KNOW.)

But first? Get down and familiar with your own lady bits. I mean, really, how can you expect him to get in there if you don’t already know what’s up?


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