So Cosmo has been showing up, and I’ve kind of been writing about it, but I’ve also been writing about other stuff. Some of the posts you can see, some you can’t. I’ve also been thinking about whether I’m going to do Nanowrimo again this year (probably – I miss my Nano friends, and that’s a guaranteed way I’ll get to reconnect with them. I write a book noneya will ever read, I get to chat with my friends and release a lot of anxiety, win win, amirite?), and I’ve been really stressed out over politics.
So imagine my absolute DELIGHT when I get my newest issue of Cosmo, and there’s a lede that promises to save me (AND YOU!): “Sex Moves That Change Lives! Trust in the Erectoral College.”
Oh jumping jaysus on a pogo stick, NO. Do not bring anything politics into my bedroom. I mean seriously, Trump is “joking around” about grabbing pussies, some men are saying “NOT ALL MEN,” and I have had enough. But I look anyway because I’m a glutton for punishment, and so are you if you’re still here.
So, the electoral college. I could explain it to you, but you’d be better off with wikipedia or calling your 7th grade Social Studies teacher. Your 7th grade social studies teacher might even be a better sex reference than Cosmo. I’d stay away from Wikipedia though, if you’re looking for sex advice. And maybe away from your 7th grade teacher. Mrs. Bunce was lovely, but I doubt she was in anyone’s school fantasies.
So let’s see what we have. It’s sex moves paired with certain kinds of dates. Interesting. “Switch up your post-date routine – or surprise someone new! – with these perfectly paired positions.” Not a terrible idea, but they start with mini-golf. Is mini-golf still a thing? I’m also not a huge fan of “HEY PUT YOUR LEG HERE!” without any of my input, but here we go.
Oh jeez. “Squat over your putt-putt partner . . . ” I can’t even. It’s basically her on top of him, bracing herself so she doesn’t just sink down on top of him, but he can thrust to speed it up. Been there, done that, didn’t bother with the mini-golf. It’s fun, but it’s not winning huge votes in my “erectoral college.” Wait. “It’ll erase the memory of that creepy clown mouth.” WHAT THE HELL, COSMO. Do you not know what’s up with clowns right now? Negative points.
Dinner and a movie. Now, I love going out to dinner, and I love movies, but if I’m doing both, I’m probably going to sleep immediately upon getting home. I already sat through a food coma to watch a movie and you want me to do what now? And the picture for this one looks like she’s kinda in a food coma – lay on the bed, drop one leg over the side, start snoring, he stops because you aren’t consenting. It doesn’t say that, but this is clearly written by someone under 30. This article isn’t winning my vote.
“The 10-Pin Peen” Don’t call it a peen. Just don’t. But if you want to bowl a strike (my words, not theirs), stand against the wall with your ass out and have him penetrate while you keep your legs close together. They say it makes his “Lebowski” feel even bigger. I say this sounds complicated and involves maths to get the angles right. Generally not voting for this one, but bonus points for Lebowski.
The Gallery Glide. I don’t even know what’s going on here, and I’m looking at a (cartoon) picture. Go to an art museum, and have him sit down. Wait, you should probably go home first. Then, straddle him with your legs behind you (what?), then slide up and down with your back arched. I have no idea. I’m trying to think of fun positions the guy I dated in law school and I tried, and some of them might have been like these, but we usually ended up laughing hysterically and falling asleep. Maybe I was old even then. One point, I guess? My erectoral college is so lame.
Karaoke. Okay, so karaoke to me says drinking a fuckton of booze so you have enough confidence to belt out “Copacabana,” and then passing out when you get home. But this article tells me that you should get home and get in doggie style, lift a leg, and tilt your pelvis to hit all the right spots. If anyone is lifting their leg after karaoke, I’m expecting them to piss all over everything, and I want nothing to do with that. I remember a night where we’d gone out for all you can drink margaritas and tried something like this. He ended up with a sprained wrist, and his roommate (god he was an asshole) banned me from the apartment (I always wondered if he loved J more than I did). Sorry dude, I laugh hard when someone falls off the bed, and I might be vocal when I get off anyway because the floor works.
And now for “fancy drinks” when you end up in the “sensual speakeasy.” Uh, you lay facedown, with a pillow under your pelvis. He gets on top of your prone body and gets at it. This might be okay with some people. I’m not one of those people. Negative points.
Did you read this far? I’ll know if you did. Cosmo had one of their editors create a bunch of online dating profiles and go on dates. She reported back, and the article is actually interesting. I’ve been single for about 15 years (not without sex, sorry parents), and this is actually something I’m willing to do.
But I need your help to create my online dating profile. I will NOT be on tinder or wherever just to fuck – I can do that without an app. So next Tuesday (10/25/16), I’ll be creating dating profiles and asking for your advice.